Look Ma, I’m Cleansing

Is there anybody on the planet who has not heard of the ‘Master Cleanse’? Is there anybody on the planet who has not tried it? Is there anybody that has tried it and not found it to be the life altering experience that it promises to be? If so, will somebody stop me.

For readers who are not in the United States, we have a holiday that is centered around a sacrificial turkey. The fact that it is customary for the turkey to be ‘stuffed’ should give you some indication as to the prime directive of this event which is known as, “Thanks Giving”. It always takes place on the last Thursday of November, when we gather around a huge table laden with more food than most people are expected to eat in a week, much less, a day. This also serves to kick off the Winter holiday season in the form of ‘Black Friday’ when people don riot helmets, and go shopping for once in a lifetime ridiculous bargains, but that would be a whole other post. Needless to say, there is nothing that would entice me to join them.

This year my husband and I didn’t host the feast, but my brother and his lovely wife did. We were joined by their two daughters and my mother. The company was wonderful, the mood joyous and the food was exquisite. The great part is, we had no leftovers to contend with like you do when you host the party. My sister-in-law tried to send us home with some, but we managed to escape with only a bag of dinner rolls. That way, we are not tempted to extend the feast until the leftovers run out, thus pack on a few more pounds of fat, which is needful to keep you warm in the cold days ahead should you find yourself stranded on a glacier.

Since my husband and I have four days off as the perk of the whole thing, we find ourselves with more meals to prepare and share. This is a departure from our having separate meals, due to conflicting schedules, Monday through Friday, with the weekend being the only two days a week that we make ‘linner’ a joint effort. ‘Linner’ is the only main meal that we consume together. I get up at my usual time, around 3 AM and have breakfast in the vicinity of 5 ish. He gets up when the day is half over, like ‘normal’ people….you know, when it’s light out. This means that his breakfast takes place when I’m ready for lunch. However, I usually bypass that and we combine lunch and dinner around 3 in the afternoon. This is when we exercise our culinary muscles and have fun making something adventurous and luscious.

However, with the extended weekend that included Friday, we also extended the feasting. This had me wide awake at 2 AM this morning, still full from last night’s chicken alfredo and garlic bread. If I mention that I also enjoyed ‘cocktail hour’, before dinner, which consisted of two saucer sized martini glasses full of ‘salad’…an array of pickled things and olives marinated in about 5 ounces of dry vermouth and gin, will you think me to be deserving of a belly ache? What’s a drink without a ‘noche’ so a plate of crackers, sausage, cheese and a tablespoon or three of caviar filled that requirement. Thank goodness my generous husband shared his box of donuts with me for dessert or I’d have gone to bed hungry.

Is it any wonder I felt the need to ‘lighten up’? I had read about the ‘Master Cleanse’ but didn’t really have the desire to actually give it a go. It consists of consuming nothing but a concoction of water, fresh lemon juice, real maple syrup and a dash of cayenne pepper. Served hot or cold, you are supposed to drink this throughout the day in lieu of food. It is recommended that you do this for 10 days.  There is  also something called  a ‘salt flush’ that is supposed to blow out your colon of ‘toxic waste’. Considering that this mixture of sea salt and water is also used to induce vomiting, I am not going to test its effectiveness.

So, I’m 12 hours into this and I’ve had two mugs of hot ‘lemonade’. I’m not hungry in spite of making the fried chicken wings that my husband requested for his ‘linner’. Apparently, I have the fortitude of a ‘grand’ master cleanser because I love chicken wings and would have dug in faster than you can say, “ranch dressing”. The only other thing more difficult to abstain from would be the half mile long sushi bar at my favorite Asian buffet.

Considering that tomorrow is a work day and my job requires me to be able to think clearly, I will be doing this only until  Tuesday evening. Besides, stealing food from coworkers is a  crime. If I am not sufficiently ‘detoxed’ in three days I will just have to remain a biohazard. My main objective is to break the cycle of holiday over indulgence and jump start a return to healthy eating. I’m starting to feel a  bit self-righteous over having made it this far without postponing this until I complete my bucket list or find some other excuse like,”I’ll  wait until  after New Year’s Day when my system will be really toxic”.

Time for another dose of ‘lemonade’ and a heapin’ helpin’ of determination.

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