My husband, a well known Madison pantry archeologist rang in the New Year by discovering and excavating a 1998 box of Cap’n Crunch …with Extra Crunch Berries, from the unexplored part of the cupboard over the microwave. “Eureka”, he exclaimed, or was it “Holy shit”, when he dug into the cupboard and found the out dated treasure. He got even more excited when he saw that it was purchased from a store in a town that we have not lived in for almost 16 years. He could have simply allowed it to ‘live’ another day, but wanted to mark this auspicious occasion, January 1st, 2015, by bringing its shelf-life to an official close. “It’s time”, he announced as he held up the box before a cheering crowd…(of Cats).
Carefully, he pried the box open, which added to the excitement, confirming that he is indeed the first to make the find. Why stop there, he concluded, and made his way to the refrigerator and resurrected a box of outdated heavy cream. He had been carefully monitoring the box of cream, sniffing it every day past the October expiration date stamped on the carton, deciding that, “it’s fine” and putting it back. He filled a bowl with the still crunchy Cap’n Crunch…with Extra Crunch Berries, and said how rare it is to find. “They only feature the Extra Crunch Berries once in a while”, he noted. The pantry archeologist explained that he enjoys living on the edge as he added a bit of the ancient, but “still fine” cream to the bowl. He declared, “it makes this fat free crap more like whole milk”, as he put back the half gallon of skimmed milk whose expiration date is still well into the future.
Having completed his landmark consumption of an ancient food source, he is resting comfortably on the sofa and reading, ” The Death of WCW”. I will continue to monitor him for signs of side effects throughout the afternoon and evening. We intuitively stocked up on Alka-Seltzer, Tums and 2 bottles of magnesium citrate in preparation for holiday feasting, but all of these remedies will prove themselves to be invaluable should things get critical. Worst case scenario, we make an unscheduled trip to the UW emergency room in the middle of the night where I will be forced to explain the circumstances under which we paid them a visit. They might even remember him from the night of the kidney stone, when upon entering the building, the desk nurse asked, “how can we help you?” and he announced, “I have to vomit”. If we do have to make the trip, if it’s the same nurse, she will most likely dispense with the pleasantries and simply point to the restroom.
We’re almost 2 hours post consumption and there are no visible signs of distress as he is still reading comfortably and has no idea that I am adding him to the annals of history by making this account available for all posterity. He is a brave man who makes no apologies for his pantry archaeologies. Goddess bless him…Goddess bless Cap’n Crunch…with extra Crunch Berries.